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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27418051">look at this godforsaken mess that you made me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetblacklilac/pseuds/jetblacklilac'>jetblacklilac</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Game of Thrones (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst (?), Bitterness, F/M, awkward reunion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 23:15:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,189</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27418051</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jetblacklilac/pseuds/jetblacklilac</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The gods may be deaf, but they are never blind. </p><p>How else will they witness humanity's descend to despair and madness?</p><p>Who else can she blame but them? </p><p>Only the revered gods could devise such a cruel path for them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jon Snow/ Daenerys Targaryen (past), Jon Snow/Sansa Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>thanking the title to our blonde goddess, Taylor Swift</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I want to cook something for dinner.” </p><p> </p><p>It was shocking, to say the least; to see her naturally shy best friend perched on the kitchen table with her ex-boyfriend standing between her legs. </p><p> </p><p>Daenerys stayed rooted on the spot in mute horror. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay but no pasta,” Jon replies, a lazy smile tugging on his mouth. He has his palm planted on the kitchen table, effectively entrapping Sansa. It’s intimate but she doesn’t seem to mind, her bare legs swaying and at one point, Daenerys <em>swears </em>her foot pokes at his hip. </p><p> </p><p>Sansa pouts and the worst part is that he <em>laughs. </em>How is this reality? “How can you say that? I love pasta!” She complains, head tilted, her soft cerulean eyes go bigger so Daenerys <em>knows </em>no person with a beating heart can refuse. </p><p> </p><p>But, her ex is a heartless man. </p><p> </p><p>He rolls his eyes. “I’ll cook you dinner but you’ll buy the ingredients.” He negotiated then his gaze slid over to her, blanched and silent. He moves away and opens the fridge. </p><p> </p><p>Daenerys walks over to the door and knocks on it. “Sans?” She calls, feeling terrible for deceiving her best friend.</p><p> </p><p>“Daenerys, hi!” Sansa chirps, jumping off the kitchen top and hugs her. “Oh and this is Jon! We’ve been seeing each other for the past few months. We’re going to the grocery store to buy dinner. Want to join us?” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>This is extremely awkward. I can’t refuse because I don’t want to leave them alone. That bastard, going after Sansa; she’s naive and I didn’t tell her about my relationship with him. Why didn’t he? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Boyfriend? You-he’s your boyfriend?”  Daenerys made sure to emphasize the last word, glaring at him. But he’s unaffected; he’s even drinking her milk! He refills the glass, nonchalantly returning her hate-filled gaze. “Since when did you date?” </p><p> </p><p>Sansa laughs high and bright, lightly slaps Daenerys’ shoulder. “He’s a really nice guy! Come on, let’s bond while we go grocery shopping!” She says, looping her arm through Daenerys's.</p><p> </p><p>“How about after you change your clothes, Sans?” Daenerys suggests with a laugh.</p><p> </p><p>When she hears the bedroom door <em>click</em> to a close, she whirls around to find Jonwashing the glass he was drinking from. “What are you doing here? I thought you were abroad!” She made sure to even out her voice so the anger doesn’t worry Sansa. </p><p> </p><p>Sure their breakup was years ago, a blur in their college years, but it makes no sense that he’s suddenly in Sansa’s apartment, willing to cook her dinner like they’re dating. No, that will absolutely not happen!</p><p> </p><p>Jon takes his time in facing her wiping the glass. “I’m here like other nights, to spend time with Sansa.” He answers in a bored tone.</p><p> </p><p>Daenerys’ eye twitches at is audacity in being casual. He has no right to be calm right now. He didn’t say ‘hangout’ like one would when they’re with friends. This means that Jon, her past, might be interested in Sansa. She’s a naive optimist and that’s double the trouble. Plus, Jon being an asshole doesn’t put him in a good light. </p><p>She gaped. “L-Like other nights? You bastard, what are you doing here with my best friend?” Daenerys hisses, walking over to the emotionless man. Good thing the kitchen is full of knives. </p><p> </p><p>Daenerys has a queasy feeling about this. Sansa keeping things from her, the things they must’ve done without her knowledge. “Did you tell her about….” She pointed between them, in silent explanation of their shared past. </p><p> </p><p>“No.” He answers with a shrug, placing the glass upside down on the rack. It irritates her that Jon feels so comfortable in Sansa’s apartment. That alone speaks for how many times he must’ve come over, once again, without her knowing. </p><p> </p><p>Daenerys looked behind her shoulder just to make sure Sansa isn’t eavesdropping like how she did earlier. “Why? That’s a very important thing you should have mentioned, you idiot!”</p><p> </p><p>Jon leans on the sink, bored of the conversation. “Because it hasn’t come to that yet, to talk of past relationships.” He walks past her and lowly said something to Sansa. She laughs and he fetches their coats like they’re a married couple. </p><p> </p><p>“Come on, Daenerys!” Sansa calls, exiting her own apartment.</p><p> </p><p>He turns to her. “And you’re not going to tell Sansa.” </p><p> </p><p>Daenerys scowls. “Why not? She should know!’ </p><p> </p><p>“You'll ruin the mood when we eat dinner. And it’s,” He paused and momentarily glanced down on the floor. “It’s my first time cooking for her.” </p><p> </p><p>She stares at his retreating figure, at him being insistent as he opens Sansa's caramel pea coat and her face went flushed as she puts her arms through the sleeves. </p><p> </p><p>She wonders when Jon acted immensely nervous as he admits he wants to cook for someone, for him to do those little things like walking nearest to the streets in the evening night. Observing them up close, she notices each time he talks to her, there’s a touch of a smile on his mouth, his vacant face near non-existent. </p><p> </p><p>Since when did the infamous heartless asshole act so flustered and considerate to other people?</p><p> </p><p><em>This is bad</em>, she thinks, <em>this is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. </em></p><p> </p><p>“What are you doing walking behind us like you’re my bodyguard?” Sansa asks and drags Daenerys closer, loops her arm through Daenerys’s again. Happiness blooms pink on her cheeks, the beam could melt the snow on the pavements. “Please don’t be mind about this. I didn’t tell you because I wanted to make sure-“ She bit her lip and the light blush bleeds into rosy red. “It’d be more humiliating to tell you and for it to not matter. But, I wanted to introduce both of you to each other when it felt right. And right now, it does!”</p><p> </p><p>She looked so adorable but Daenerys isn’t swayed; in fact, she’s horrified. Sansa looking love-struck and for him to the asshole who’s leading her on. She should be honest, confess everything before things got way out of hand. </p><p> </p><p>“We’re here,” Jon announced. </p><p> </p><p>They enter and he gets the cart. </p><p> </p><p>Sansa snaps her fingers. “I’m out of napkins! I need to buy it. Is it all right if you buy the ingredients and we’ll buy the lady’s necessity?” She suggests.</p><p> </p><p>Jon nods and heads off in another direction.</p><p> </p><p>Daenerys continues to be shocked by their intimacy, at how this isn’t at all platonic friendship. They both <em>really </em>like each other, anyone seeing them for five minutes can arrive at the same conclusion. </p><p> </p><p>How else can Sansa nonchalantly say she needs napkins? </p><p> </p><p>“Okay now, you can ask the questions that have been swimming in your head.” Sansa chimes, as they wander through the aisles. “Hopefully by the time we’re done, you’ll hate him less.”</p><p> </p><p>There were many truths and questions in her head. Looking, truly studying, Sansa, Daenerys can’t deny that Sansa is happy with her ex-boyfriend. Something uneasy sticks to her chest, seeing those eyes glitter, a small smile on her face, and Sansa kept on humming to the pop song the store is playing. </p><p> </p><p>“How did you guys meet?” She started with the easiest question. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, it’s such a fun story! I’m a regular at a cafe near his law firm. It was lunch rush so there were practically no free tables left. We shared a table, right? But we didn’t talk at all. I thought he was really handsome, though.” Sansa is fully grinning now, practically glowing as she directs Daenerys to the aisle of napkins. “Before he left, he asked me if I’d still be on the same spot tomorrow to finish my story….. And I was, but-but not because he told me to! We just happen to love the same coffee shop!” </p><p> </p><p>It was an insanely adorable cute met. Daenerys withheld her squeal and settled for a giggle as Sansa opens up more about her times with Jon. It’s not comforting at all to know that he’s still the same insensitive bastard, but… Sansa speaks so <em>fondly </em>of her past she felt her eye twitching again. </p><p> </p><p>Yet, as she listens, there was a definitive difference. Jon is more outwardly attentive to Sansa. It’s not jealousy, but he wasn’t like that when they use to date.  It used to frustrate her on how callous he was to her, at that time, his girlfriend. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh hey, you’re cooking a feast for us hm?” Sansa says, going over to Jonas he brings the cart almost filled with vegetables, noodles, and meat. </p><p> </p><p>Jonis <em>smiley </em>with her, Daenerys discovers, much to her horror. “I’m cooking for five people and you have a big appetite.” He teases her to win a playful tone. </p><p> </p><p>This is more serious than she thought. But which is more important: the truth or Sansa’s happiness?</p><p> </p><p> Sansa reaches up on her toes to cover his eyes. She’s biting her lip, trying to not laugh but tiny giggles escape her bitten mouth. “I don’t want you to faint by looking at the napkins and tampons, Jon!” She warns him but not at all sounding concerned for him. </p><p> </p><p>He removes her hand and proceeds to hold it, placing their hands on the cart’s handle. “So, did you buy what you need?” He asks, unfazed by the colorful brands of feminine products. </p><p> </p><p>Sansa blinks up at him, her cheeks permanently red when he’s around. Those mindless actions might mean nothing to him, but to Sansa, the ever so romantic is probably falling for him more at this moment.   </p><p> </p><p><em>He’s probably leading her on, </em>Daenerys thinks with a scowl. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I got another basket. I don’t want my stuff to be with our food.” Sansa answers. “Are <em>you </em>done, grumpy cat?” </p><p> </p><p><em>Oh my god, she has a nickname for him? </em>She shrieks in her head, holding her bag tighter. <em>And he’s not reacting which means she called him that before….  They’re on the verge of being in a relationship. That bastard is keeping it to himself because he’s a selfish asshole! </em></p><p> </p><p>“Yes, let’s go to the cashier.” He pats the small of her back. “Daenerys, come on.”</p><p> </p><p>She glares at him but follows them, ambles at their side as Jon quietly asked how Sansa’s day went. She rambled on cutely but Daenerys has a hard time enjoying Sansa’s stories because <em>he’s </em>also entertained by her best friend; the very same person that could get hurt if she’ll know the truth. </p><p> </p><p>If Daenerys tells Sansa about her real connection to Jon, she will most likely break it off with him for the sake of their friendship. But the contentment they both have, though deeply unsettling, is something that is difficult to find. And Sansa is an unfortunately kind person and the best friend she ever has. </p><p> </p><p>She sits in the living room, trying so hard to ignore their flirtation as Jon teaches Sansa how to chop the vegetables. The scent of the soup wafts in the air and she knows from experience that he’s an excellent cook. </p><p> </p><p>Sansa will be even more enamoured before the night ends. That must be his plan, but why? Why did fate put them in such an awkward dilemma with only pain on either choice? </p><p> </p><p>“Is it okay if I change?” Sansa asks, wiping the sweat on her forehead with the back of her hand. </p><p> </p><p>Jon nods, pausing in mincing the spring onion to kiss the side of her head. It’s a small action that has her cheeks aflame. “Sure thing. By the time you’re done changing, dinner will be ready.” </p><p> </p><p>Sansa pouts. “I don’t take that long.” </p><p> </p><p>“Of course, you definitely don’t take your time.” Jon sasses and tilts his head to the head. “Go on.” </p><p> </p><p>And she does, basically skipping in her steps. </p><p> </p><p>Daenerys stomps her way to him. “You do realize that we have to fess everything up at one point, right? And then, she’ll leave you-”</p><p> </p><p>Jon slams down the knife making Daenerys jump in fright. The blue in his eyes glinted in malice. “And you don’t think I know her? That she’d give up for the sake of someone else, her friend?” He growls, then turns around and drops all the nicely chopped vegetables in the boiling pot. He faces her. “I want her to be happy. If she knows, then she <em>won’t. </em>Is the past really important to ruin the future?” </p><p> </p><p><em>He wants Sansa happy. He’s thinking of a future with her.  </em> </p><p> </p><p>After spending a few hours with them, Daenerys can definitely be sure that they mean…. something very dear to each other, probably more than she and Jon felt when they dated. It’s reopening the wounds to stare at the scars, to see someone of her past, be so happy.</p><p>Daenerys tries to recall why she was so obsessed over him in college. It was purely out of physical attraction and the fact that he chose to date <em>her </em>out of the crowd of prettier and better girls crushing over him.</p><p>The reasons are shallow she knows. But at one point, they did care deeply for each other. </p><p>A tinge of pain, a knife skimming on her skin, flared in her heart. Maybe she hated seeing him happy. </p><p>“We broke up because of your callous heart. I don’t want her to experience your icy soul. She wants love, okay?  She deserves the best and you’re not enough for her!” Daenerys spits out, eyebrows lowered down to her narrowed eyes. “Or, is this payback?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s an idea that can’t be denied. Jon is selfish, spiteful, and as mentioned before, a bastard. It wouldn’t be impossible to say that he’s trying to get close to Sansa, break her precious heart, and feel satisfied because <em>they </em>went through the same thing years ago. Only back then, she broke up with him.</p><p> </p><p>Jon gapes. “Are-are you fucking <em>serious</em>?” He has his fist clenched and a snarl near animalistic; beyond offended that Daenerys is implying he’d hurt Sansa. “Not everything is about you, much to your dismay Daenerys. I don’t have to explain my actions to you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You will if it involves my best friend,” Daenerys argues harshly.</p><p> </p><p>And his reaction alone confirms something awful for her, that Sansa is someone important to Jon. But she’s <em>her </em>best friend, not Jon’s girlfriend. Daenerys doesn’t want that for Sansa.</p><p> </p><p>“Babe, Dany, look at the panda onesie I bought!” Sansa sings as she struts in the living room like she’s on a runway. </p><p> </p><p>The pair composes themselves and smiles at their bridge.</p><p> </p><p>Jon’s laughter rings in the living room. His broad shoulders are shaking as an adored beam graces his porcelain mask. “You look so cute!” He coos, walking over to Sansa. </p><p> </p><p>She’s pouting as he pinches her cheek and plays with the hoodie. “I spent good money on this, please pretend to like it.” </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t have to. You’re adorable.” Jon says and strokes her cheek for a few long moments. </p><p> </p><p>Why does she feel like an intruder?</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps it’s Daenerys that’s lost in the past while they head towards their future.</p><p> </p><p>Dinner is delicious, as expected. Daenerys sits through Jon being unbearably doting to Sansa. He pours their portions into bowls, giving her best friend the biggest one. There are small chatters throughout the meal.</p><p> </p><p>Sansa darts her eyes between her and…. Jon. “I’m really glad I arranged this dinner. And your dish is really good, Jon.” She compliments and presses her lips on his cheek.</p><p> </p><p>He’s startled by the action, turns to face Sansa, and kisses her fully on the mouth. His large hands cup her entire face and he tilts his head to deepen the kiss.</p><p> </p><p>Sansa <em>smiles </em>into the kiss, her hands rake through his inky hair.</p><p> </p><p>Then, the bastard opens one eye, sky like mischief alights the eye she wants to scoop it out with the spoon she holds. There was a brief smirk before he closes it again and continues to indulge in her best friend.</p><p> </p><p>It’s an unsaid message Daenerys grasped: <em>I’m not going anywhere. And you sure as hell aren’t going to ruin this.</em></p><p> </p><p>Daenerys lowers her gaze, the spoon digging into her hand it nearly hurt. Only in this moment does she sympathize with the ardent admirers that constantly gossiped them during their college days. It was awful, this sinking feeling. </p><p> </p><p>“My, y-you really like compliments!” Sansa laughs breathlessly, her mouth reddened from his attentions, and her hands remain on the nape of his neck.</p><p> </p><p>He brushes his nose against hers in such a tender motion Daenerys opened her mouth, but he kisses her cheek, eying Daenerys in silence yet audaciously urging her to break Sansa’s heart.</p><p> </p><p>She’s a coward and a selfless friend.</p><p> </p><p>“I like it when you praise me.” He murmurs, leaning towards her to give Sansa a peck.</p><p> </p><p>Sansa presses her hand on his chest, simpering only then realizing Daenerys has been present the entire time they were making out. “Ah, I-I’m not usually so… expressive.” She quietly admits. Glancing at him, she giggles and sits upright on her chair. “Maybe I should pack leftovers for your lunch tomorrow?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>That’s exactly what a girlfriend would do!</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Maybe for Daenerys too, so I can leave a good impression on her.” He says, making Sansa laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’m sure she approves of you!” Sansa reassures him, patting his cheek. She looks at Daenerys. “An asshole like you is beloved by all, Mr. Grumpy.”</p><p> </p><p>Daenerys couldn’t hide her surprise at Sansa’s light teasing. She also conscientiously ignored the way Jon’s bright eyes darkened at Sansa’s words.</p><p> </p><p>“Sansa has been through a lot. And you, you’re so different yet similar to her pasts.” Daenerys declared, embarrassing her best friend, but she doesn’t break eye contact with Jon. Anger hardening her tone and her face tensed; if she could prevent the heartbreak in the future, then she’d do the right thing. “Love will blind her but I can see everything so I won’t go easy on you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Dany!” Sansa scolds, wide-eyed.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t stop though and Jon leans back on his chair, unbothered. He’s so damn confident all the time it infuriates her, burns away the calmness and reason in her mind.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe you’ve been putting up an act for me. You’re insincere, possessive, and-and I don’t want you anywhere <em>near </em>my best friend. You only hurt the people around you.” Daenerys blurts out, the untouched past comes tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop. She stood up, the chair falling over, and she stands over the couple. “You <em>can’t </em>love, Jon, you never could and never will.”</p><p>Sansa has her hand on her mouth. “Dans, wh-what do you mean? You can’t possibly assume all those horrible things about him in one night.” She replies to all the truths she has confessed. “You’re talking about someone else.”</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps she is; the old Jon, the boy she gave her soul and love to once upon a time, but he didn’t know how to handle that responsible yet. It frustrates and scares her Sansa could go through the same thing. Maybe Jon didn’t change at all, that the kind and adoring boyfriend she saw tonight is a façade to taunt Daenerys.</p><p> </p><p>He was never like that to her. He was distant and didn’t return the three words she confessed to him that one starry night.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Why wasn’t I enough for him?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“You’ll break her heart, Jon. Men like you take advantage of people like Sansa. She’s sweet, kind, and unassuming.” <em>Like how I was, I don’t want the past to repeat. </em>Daenerys continues. “I think it’d be better if you leave her now before this goes on any further.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know you’re looking out for me but you didn’t need have to humiliate Jon like this.” Sansa quietly says, the fiercest scowl on her face. She holds a crumpled table napkin on her hands. “We could’ve had a private conversation about your conclusion, but no, you declare things like that so <em>rudely </em>after he prepared a delicious meal for us. Why say all these rushed out things?”</p><p> </p><p>Daenerys gawks. “W-what?” She yells. “I’m just stating the facts, Sansa.”</p><p> </p><p>Sansa sighs. “Maybe this was too early.” She bows her head, heaves out a trembling sigh. “I knew it but…. I just wanted to show him off, you know? That I could….” She shakes her head but then Jon reaches out to her wringing hands and holds them. Smiling weakly, she brings their hands closer to her lips so she can press a kiss on his knuckles. “I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be.” He softly says.</p><p> </p><p><em>Since when has anyone associated softness with Jon? </em>She shrieks in her mind, frantic and furious. She studies how his adoration softens his porcelain mask, those piercing winters gaze melt when he looks at Sansa. </p><p> </p><p>Why is it she can clearly see how in love her ex is with her best friend? Why is he wearing love like a favorite jacket now? </p><p>When Sansa stares at her, teary-eyed, lips trembling, Daenerys knows Jon won this round. If she were to tell Sansa about their past, Sansa wouldn’t buy it. Somehow, as odd as it is, the truth wouldn’t be believable.</p><p> </p><p>Truly, he is a genius chess player.</p><p> </p><p>“You should apologize to Jon,” Sansa demanded, holding his hand by her thigh. “He’s done nothing wrong throughout the evening.”</p><p> </p><p>And he lets her run through this battle on his behalf.</p><p> </p><p>“What for?” She scoffs.</p><p> </p><p>Sansa frowns. “For being presumptuous, for being rude to a person who only wanted to befriend you; take your pick I’m correct either way. I understand your reasons but your manner in conveying them is horribly wrong.” Each word is hard as diamonds; cuts could mark Daenerys’ skin if it was possible.</p><p> </p><p>Daenerys’s heart nearly stopped beating when tears fell down Sansa’s cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>“I know I’m naïve in love but, I thought you had more faith in me. I know you’re protective, but I have my own mind. ” Sansa mutters, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. “Excuse me.” She leaves; head bows, shoulders knitted together and caved in like the friendship she feared she ruined because of her paranoia.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t have any plans to ruin his happiness or yours. You’re free to get some leftovers. I’ll clean up.” Jon says the first time he’s speaking after her untimely emotional explosion.</p><p> </p><p>He, too, leaves, much to her bafflement. He doesn't look back but she has never expected much empathy from the precise opposite of that word. </p><p> </p><p>Daenery sremains to stand, faintly registering the bedroom door closes.</p><p> </p><p>She shakily exhales, shame finally settles. Yet, never the guilt; it’s the right thing to do, to distance her sweet best friend from the black hole known as Jon Snow.</p><p> </p><p>/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\</p><p> </p><p>Sansa has her knees up to her chest, head bowed, and her arms circle around her legs. The panda onesie is neatly folded on the chair. </p><p> </p><p>Jon sits beside her, gently rocks her.</p><p> </p><p>She looks up and something icy spreads in his chest at seeing the glistening cheeks, tears pooling in her eyes. “Jon-” She sobbed and she embraces him, nose buried in his shirt. “I’m so sorry about what happened earlier! I’ll get Daenerys to apologize.”</p><p> </p><p>He gathers her and plops her on his lap. Loose legs wrap around his hips and he rubs her back the way she did earlier. “It’s not the first time someone accused me of being heartless. You should know, you’re my girlfriend.” He tries to joke but she sighs.</p><p> </p><p>Pulling away, her blotchy cheeks, glittery eyes; Jon is so sure no one else in the world can be as cute as Sansa when she cries. “Exactly, she bases her opinion on first impressions and that’s so unfair! You’re not <em>much </em>of an asshole once she’ll get to know you.” She stated her confidence with determination his heart fluttered, in the way only she can.</p><p> </p><p><em>Daenerys did love me once and now she hates me. </em>It was years ago; they were young and foolish. He wasn’t ready and she didn’t think things through. Plus, long distance relationships statistically don’t last so he wasn’t going to lengthen a doomed relationship.</p><p> </p><p>But, Daenerys broke up with him before he got the chance. And that was that.</p><p> </p><p>He looks down at the crestfallen woman in his arms and he knows they did the right thing. His hands rove on her shoulders, neck, and face, unable to stay still, to convince himself she’s real and here with him.</p><p> </p><p>He lies against the wooden headboard behind him, allowing Sansa to press her cheek on his chest, arms loose on his waist, and their legs lazily intertwine. It’s an intimate position and he’s not complaining at all.</p><p> </p><p>She pulls herself to a kneeling position. “I guess I’m upset because of the way she treated me.” She lowly admits. “I know my friends and family are overprotective of me because of how reckless and naïve I used to be. The way Daenerys talked to me though, it felt like I was a child. Is that how they look at me? A stupid and naïve-“ She sucks in a breath and he immediately covers her cold hands with his, tugging her forward so her chin digs into his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“I want them to let me make my own decisions. I’m capable and I, I choose you.” Sansa confesses, her breath sinks deep in the space where his heart is, branding it as hers. She looks up at him, huge oaken eyes, and her mouth returns to the normal pastel pink shade. “I want to be with you, Jon. Maybe in time, my friends will accept you.”</p><p>She didn’t say the three words he used to dread his girlfriends would say to him. She only said she’d choose him, that she wants to be with him. That should be enough, but he continues to stare at her. Why was he <em>hoping </em>she’d say it then?</p><p>He sits up, making sure they’re chest to chest now. Kissing her is the easiest way to convene the immense gratitude brewing in his chest. Tongues sweeping in their warm mouths, greedy hands combing through hairs and the available patch of skin at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>He’s probably going fast, they never made out on the bed like this. Passionate kisses drifted down to her neck and he sinks his teeth on her neck. His ears ringing with the melodic moans coming from Sansa’s mouth. <em>That’s right, </em>he darkly thinks, swiping his tongue on the surfacing bruise and primal satisfaction buzzes his brain with desire; <em>she’s my girlfriend, she wants me the way I want her. I don’t care about anyone else.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Sansa sighs his name, a prayer to the gods, or the shortest verse of praise in an abandoned chapel. She brings his mouth back to hers and it’s a gentler passion, her devotion shows in the way she caresses his body, gently as a religious person would to an altar.</p><p>She mumbles something on his cheek and Jon pulls back, heaving out breaths. “You think she’s still there?”</p><p>Jon didn’t care, only wanted to continue where they left off. He shrugs. “Maybe she’s committing arson in this building.”</p><p>Sansa sadly slides off the bed, creeping to her own living room. He follows, fruitlessly trying to fix his messy hair thanks to his cute girlfriend. </p><p>“She left without saying goodbye,” Sansa uttered lowly, her hands twisting in her sweater. </p><p>He places a hand on her shoulder and she turns to him, shaky eyes and a slight tremble on her mouth. “Maybe I should go to her.”</p><p>There’s a slight chance that Daenerys might reveal their connected past. Sansa will then leave him because if he’s being honest, Sansa is relatively the most magnanimous person he’s met. And that’s refreshing for someone like him, to have someone genuine, kind, and paired with her goddess-like beauty? </p><p>It’s not a surprise why his friends tell him he’s whipped.</p><p>Maybe he even loves her. Or selfish when it comes to her love and unique attention; love and greed come hand in hand, he thinks.</p><p>And this frizzling panic is damn near killing him right now. </p><p>“What will you say? Don’t tell me you’ll apologize.” He says in, gruffed tone. “And from what I’ve seen, she won’t apologize either and you’d just continue the argument if you go find her.”</p><p>Her shoulders slump and he nearly smiles. “I don’t like knowing other people are angry at me.” She quietly says. “But you’re right, maybe I should let her cool off?”</p><p>He curls his hand on her neck, wondering why the universe has thrown something as bothering as this dilemma. </p><p>The words tickle his tongue. <em>I love you. You can’t leave me because of my past. God, I love this woman.</em></p><p>“I’ll go wash the dishes. You can pick any movie you want, grumpy. I promise to not fall asleep to your action movies.” She teases him, poking his side before flouncing to the kitchen. </p><p>Jon massages his face, cursing her innate adorableness for the countless smiles and his sore cheeks.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. don't call me 'kid' don't call me 'baby'</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i might expand this bc ANgst</p><p> </p><p>tell me what u think!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>329</em>
</p><p>Jon takes a deep breath and opens the door.</p><p>There, on the hospital bed, is his sickly mother Lyanna. Her black hair is longer, touching the bed she’s sitting on, the smile she gave as a greeting was exhausted, and one of her eyes is covered in a white bandage.</p><p>“Jon, hello.” She chirps, lowering the half-bitten apple. It’s not often the former lawyer has an appetite these days, since the disease caught up with her. “What brings you here, my son?”</p><p>The well-dressed out of the two of them plopped down on the plastic chair. He presses his face on the mattress, doesn’t swat away Lyanna’s hand when she ruffled Jon’s messy hair.</p><p>He only visits when the life in the office weighs down too much on him which is a lot to start with. But this time, it’s much more important and urgent than that. Ever since the strained dinner two nights ago, Sansa hasn’t mentioned Daenerys in casual conversations.</p><p>The thing is, she’s acting like nothing happened and it irks him out. Maybe it’s the guilt but a part of him wants to follow her script.</p><p>Only, the physical manifestation of his conscience is smiling notably kindly at him and he groans.</p><p>“Where’s your husband?” Jon grumbles, sitting up and rubs his hand down his face.</p><p>“Oh, I think he’s managing her little shop. It is lunch rush.” Lyanna answered in her deep and perpetually calm tone. She frowns as she glances at her phone. “He texted me to say hi to you since you-Jon, did you skip lunch?”</p><p>Jon scoffs at the slight reprimand from the hospital patient. It was ridiculous but a warming thought. “To be honest, I’m not hungry.” He answers, leaning back and snatches the remote on the bedside table. “Why the hell are you watching advertisements about mops?”</p><p>“Why are you on the other side of town in your break? Something happened, huge, for you to skip lunch and smell like an alleyway where teenagers smoke between breaks.” Lyanna snapped, annoyed and now he understands they are a certain type of temper. “I apologize but Jon-“</p><p>“-I think Sansa will breakup with me.” Jon blurted like the goddamn idiot he is. He says this while he stares at the immensely placid golf tournament being televised. Seriously, why do rich people go for the blandest sport ever?</p><p>Lyanna places a hand on his shoulder. “What happened?”</p><p>And so, Jon explains the long and awkward story about college and his intense dilemma at the moment. He wasn’t loquacious. This includes his stepfather, Arthur and his mother, but this time, the anxiety and fear propelled him to exceed everyone’s expectations of how talkative he is in a very dire dilemma.</p><p>“…And now, I think there’s some sort of cold war between Sansa and Daenerys because she hasn’t even <em>mentioned </em>her name in the past days.” Jon ended his lengthy explanation, probably the longest period he’s ever talked in his life.</p><p>Lyanna was silent for a few minutes, toying with the starch and stiff white sheets. She then slides a cold hard stare to her only child, who in return, jumped in surprise.</p><p>“I see,” She finally says., irking out the lawyer. “You’ve hid this very important piece of information from your girlfriend and you’re acting paranoid. Also, speaking as a husband, being secretive about your past can never help anyone involved.”</p><p>Jon nearly rolled his eyes but refrained because Lyanna is one of the few people on this Earth he genuinely respects. He exhaled. “It’s a tricky subject. And besides, it’s all in the past. Why would I bring it up now?” He dismisses.</p><p>The older woman reclines on the cloud of pillows behind her. “People have always labelled our family as greedy and selfish. To an extent, they are correct because you are the living example.” There was a simple tone to it that irritated Jon.</p><p>“What?” Jon snaps. “There’s nothing to it! Daenerys means nothing to me now. Sansais everything I could ever want!” He proclaims. It would’ve been romantic; an epiphany in a rom-com but the situation is vastly different; colder and blue.</p><p>
  <em>I, I can’t live without her. I don’t want her to leave me because of my past self. A lot of people have done that.</em>
</p><p> He doesn’t realize he’s standing over his sick older brother until Lyanna holds his clenched hands. “I love her, okay?” He says lowly, a sinner with a voice of shame, confessing something he shouldn’t even bother to say.</p><p>Because in their world, someone like him shouldn’t be with a woman as perfect as Sansa. Jon definitely doesn’t deserve her attention and affections but here she is, loving him anyways.  So naively that Jon stares up at the sky, wishes he his past would vanish.</p><p>He could be the man for Sansa his past forgotten, but Daenerys will make sure they’ll break up.</p><p>And what <em>then</em>?</p><p> </p><p>He shudders, doesn’t want to ponder on it at all. Fear has never quite grasp him but now, picturing his bed without her on the other side, <em>no</em>. It downright terrifies him how needy he is for this one small woman,</p><p>“I know you do and it’s making you irrational.” Lyanna smoothly says and motions for him to take a sit once more. “But don’t you think, honesty and good communication are the best solutions right now? You’re acting like you’re cheating on her instead of something else entirely. You can’t live like this and fooling the woman you’re so enamoured with.”</p><p>Jon curls his hands on the sheets, trying to not feel the sting of tears in his eyes. “What, what if she breaks up with me? I can’t, just <em>fucking can’t </em>imagine my life without her. I’m in too deep.” He professes like the pathetic person he is.</p><p>Lyanna ruffles his hair. “We aren’t the most trusting people, I know. The world either fears or hates us so we don’t mind other people. But, trust and love is the best combination there is!” The smile softens his tired face. “Sansa is a smart woman. And I’m sure she loves you in the same obsessive manner you do for her.”</p><p>Arthur enters the hospital room, notices Jon, bent over and breathing deeply, sleeping and snoring. “Is he sleeping?” He asks and presses a kiss on Lyanna’s cheek.</p><p>“Tired is all.” Lyanna fondly answers, combing through the lawyer’s hair. “Existing is exhausting, my dear.”</p><p>/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\</p><p>
  <em>Boyfie: dinner at my place?</em>
</p><p>Sansa opens the door to his apartment, not bothering to knock. She removes her doll shoes and wears the guest slippers.</p><p>Smiling, she spots her boyfriend by the living room couch, watching some baseball match. She hugs him from behind and kisses his neck.</p><p>“Oh, pizza! Thank you, Jon!” She jumps to his side, her skirt fluttering on her thighs. “I have the most fantastic news!”</p><p>He glances down at her. “Oh, yeah? Better than pizza?”</p><p>Sansa squeals and playfully hits his side. “Of course. So, so, I’m releasing the sequel to <em>The White Lily!” </em>She announced with her arms wide open.  “I’m hosting a party! I’m not sure of the location though, but don’t worry, I will look into it!”</p><p>Jon grins; takes her breath away how this loving man is hers. He embraces her and she laughs.</p><p>She’s so happy right now; her boyfriend is so kind and her career is advancing!</p><p>“I’m so, so, so proud of you, baby.” Jon breathes as he presses their foreheads together.</p><p>She’s having a hard time processing that he’s this ecstatic because of <em>her</em>, because of something she did. It’s another sort of intimacy when one is selfless in their love. This is Jon to her, the kindest man with the biggest heart.</p><p>“Thank you.” Sansa replies and kisses him deeply. Her fingers running through his hair, bodies pressing against one other, and they’re both smiling as they continue to kiss like giddy teenagers reuniting by the school hallway. “So, let’s-“</p><p>Sansa notices Jon’s downward gaze, clenched hand son the fluffy pillow; the very same they bought together because his interior design is appallingly empty.</p><p>“What’s wrong, Jon? Oh, did they mess up your order? In my dinner party, there’ll be no pineapple on pizzas!”  </p><p>“Sansa,” Jon says in quiet and tensed voice. “I have something to say.”</p><p>Alarmed, she sits up and tilts her head. She’s wearing the necklace and earrings he gave her but he’s too deep in thought to notice. She cups his cheek and he leans on it, closing his eyes.</p><p>Sansais struck by the innate beauty her boyfriend holds. This tender moment stretches comfortably and she smiles. “Did you fall asleep, love?” She teases.</p><p>Jon laughs then moves away from her touch. He scoots the farthest on the sofa, confusing her. “</p><p>Then, he opens his mouth and says the most baffling thing she’s ever heard,</p><p>Her mind whirled and reeled as her boyfriend revealed his past.</p><p>“<em>Daenerys and I used to date back in college, way before we met.”</em></p><p> </p><p>Now it makes sense, her friend’s repulsion at what Sansa thought against a total stranger. She felt utterly <em>ridiculous </em>at defending the man in front of her, rambling with tears in his eyes.</p><p>Ah, but he drove this wedge between them, split the Earth beneath their feet.</p><p>He continued to confess and she is the unforgiving and stoic judge, her hand curled on the gavel. He knew the day before she announced Daenerys’s arrival. The anxiety and fear, she could see it all on his slouch and shifting eyes.</p><p>He’s a man in love and people act rather stupid when the heart dominates.</p><p>When he stopped talking, the air around them stifled, tension filled the space between them.</p><p>Sansa could barely see Jon because she’s crying, ruining the new blouse she bought. She stands up and he flows with his desperate gaze. Trembling, she’s shaking all over, like the foundation she thought they had. It was sturdy, nice, and comfortable.</p><p>Her heart’s a mess and her mind is numb from shock.</p><p>Now <em>everything </em>makes sense, the thinly veiled tension between her boyfriend and best friends. In the way Daenerys keeps on glaring at Jon and how he was so intense that night, protective, and attentive.</p><p>“You both made a fool out of me.” Sansa whispered in ire. She glared at him and he flinched. “You had several chances to be honest with me b-but you stayed silent, directed me like I’m your lead actress.”</p><p>
  <em>If my brothers know about this, Jon will have the room next to his mother.</em>
</p><p>Jon offers a box of tissue and she snatches it up to wipe her nose. After that though, she’s keeping her distance. “I don’t want to lose you.’ Jon argues but his voice s tremulous. “It’s a pathetic excuse I know, but really, Sansa-“</p><p>“You know why I love our relationship?” Sansa is careful to not say the three words. It’ll be the dumbest thing to confess right <em>now</em> after what she’s heard.</p><p>How it is the love for him is still here, festering in her soul?</p><p>“Being with you is so freeing. We grow and learn together. But now,” Sansa bites her lip so she won’t cry that much, but it’s pointless. She’s cried in front of him so many times yet this time, the reason is her boyfriend. “You decided for me. You decided to mistrust me, disregard the love and respect I have for you. You gave into the fear of my leaving so, so you did this!”</p><p>Sansa isn’t sure what she’s referring to; the cracked chasm between them or making her love him so deeply she just can’t break up with him right now.</p><p>“Were you happy with Daenerys?”</p><p>She’s been in an unrequited love for years so she knows how to hurt herself over things like these. Balled up tissues gather around her ankle boots and her quiet sniffling fills the silence.</p><p>“No,” She should be irked out at how swift his answer was. There was this horrible relief filling her veins at hearing his answer. “We were never happy. Sansa, I don’t really have anything for my defence. But <em>please</em>, please know I’ did it because I was so scared of losing you.”</p><p>She wiped her cheeks. “Why now?” She demands.</p><p>He sighs. “Because I’m so fucking scared.” He confessed.</p><p>The pizza left untouched, tea gone cold, and she continues to stare.</p><p>“Someone told me being honest is the right thing to do but right now, I wish my past self isn’t a part of me at all. So maybe then, we could be together. I’m so scared you’ll leave me so I kept it to myself.” Jon further explains, making sure their eyes do not stray.</p><p>In those fathomless orbs, Sansa found the truth, of how helpless she is when Jon is around. Her heart pulls towards his soul; the sort only being described in cringe romance novels.</p><p>She’s in the mind to cancel her upcoming release, so heavily influenced by the man on the couch.</p><p>“Shouldn’t relationships be built with trust?” Sansa speculates dryly. Her lilac eyes looked exceedingly fragile as tears pools, rippling in sadness. “You think you know me so well that you predicted my reaction? You know me so <em>fucking </em>well that you’d hope I’d accept this and just move on? Is that why there’s pizza and my favourite tea on the table right now?”</p><p>He doesn’t answer, head bowed like a death row criminal. The guillotine would’ve cleanly separated his head from his shoulders.</p><p>“I want to think about this.” Sansa decides.</p><p>Jon stares at her in puzzlement. “W-What?”</p><p>Her icy hands tug at the ends of her blouse. “I need space. And,” She takes a deep breath. “Is it okay if you don’t attend my book release? It’ll be awkward.”</p><p>He nods. “A-Absolutely. I understand, completely.”</p><p>“Good.” Sansa says then storms out of the luxurious apartment.</p><p>When she arrives at hers, Sansafished out a small box and threw it on the floor with a shout.</p><p>The sleek silver ring rolled beneath the sofa.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im sure there will be... expressive reactions but i wanted to try and experiment and not write fluff. this is dangerous, uncomfortable, and a weighted challenge in my conscience. i want you guys to know that the comments don't compare to how i berated myself for writing this... alarming fic</p></blockquote></div></div>
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